I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He will be 25 in October, I will be 24 in December. We have been living together for six months. Up until 3 weeks ago, I was absolutely in love with him. I have been getting frustrated with him since he doesn't pick up after himself, and can only do something (like take out the garbage) when asked. He is pretty lazy when it comes to cleaning, and also when it comes to jobs. He has been in the same job for almost two years, and seems comfortable (this is ok). However, he does not have any plans what he wants to do next, and he doesn't seem to want more responsibility or to make more money. I, on the other hand, will be looking to ';move up'; within a year, because I want to make a comfortable life style for myself and my family (in the future).
I do pretty much everything around the house. The bills are in my name and I handle them, because he can't be trusted with this kind of thing. He wanted to get a new car and asked me for help. He wants to network with people from college and asked me for help. I even had to help him set up online banking. I used to think it was cute, but now I just want to be with a man instead of taking care of a boy.
Picturing a life with him really seems exhausting. His family talks about what our kids will be like, and his dad said that he hopes we will get married in the future. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage/kids. Now I think I am having a change of heart.
The catch is that he is a REALLY genuine guy. He is incredibly funny, and very kind. He is romantic and is absolutely in love with me. I worry that I am making a mistake or that I will be losing someone really special if I let him go. He would never cheat, and he would make an excellent father. Really just a wonderful, good-hearted guy.
HELP!!!!!!!!! I'm torn and distraught about this. Thanks in advance.Very torn...need relationship advice desperately from married/divorced individuals.?
Lol welcome to the wonderful world of marriage :) the honeymoon phase is over, and all his quirks and bad habits are coming out.. luckily for you , your not married to him and can easily walk if u so chose to.. my advice try to talk to him.. and stop doing for him, he's a grown man , and if he wants a mother then he needs to go back home and live with his.. and if he cant get it straightened out then u know where u stand and its time to go.. if you dont want to live the rest of your life going through this.. so if u love him try to straighten the situation.. but take accountability for things that u may be enabling him to think its ok.. and stop enabling him to be so dependent on you to whipe his azz.. and if he still doesnt hear u , and still doesnt want to put an effort in to make this work, then u know u have a choice to make.. but talk to him and let him know exactly how ur feeling, dont hide it.. or mask it.. be blunt.. and try to resolve the problems, cause ever marriage has problems, and if u both cant learn how to resolve the petty things in life, how are u ever going to compromise and resolve bigger issues as they come your way? this is a true test of your relationship .. will u both pass or fail?Very torn...need relationship advice desperately from married/divorced individuals.?
Don't even think of marriage with this guy he will not change if he has no ambition.
Sounds like a marriage to me.
wow, you're not even married and already experiencing some of the problems of marriage after six short months living together. It's good that you're aware that personality traits that exhaust you so soon will increasingly bother you as time goes by.
I'll give you my experience for what it's worth. I married a similar sounding guy, only I did it much younger - at 21. He was a little younger than me, so I attributed all the 'caregiving' I had to do to his age, telling myself he would mature as time went by. (He also was fun, romantic and in love). We had a child when I was in my late 20's, and I found myself stuck in a job I hated, but had to keep to support us. He had no direction, and though I struggled so he could attend college for 4 yrs he did very poorly and couldn't seem to finish anything. He rarely worked, and found excuses to quit every job he had. Meanwhile, he resented the time our child took away from him and wasn't into be a father at all - even though he'd begging to have a baby. Long story short, after passing 20 years in this way and finding out that he was spending his idle time having affairs I finally called it quits. He was one I said would never cheat too - in fact he told me I was the only one and his soulmate just a few days before I found out he gave me an STD. He then admitted to more than one affair.
Please think long and hard about this. You really need an equal partner in life, especially once the children come along. Feeling like your husband's mommy isn't romantic - it's exhausting and it only become more so with each passing year. I wish I'd had the insight you have back when we started our relationship. Don't let your heart sidetrack you away from your career goals, and you deserve someone who shares the load not just adds to it. Best of luck -
I suggest you should seriously talk to this guy.He needs to know what is bothering you.
Before that you should set your priorities ie. what you think is important for you and your family or starting your own family,be it financial needs or other chores around the house.
Practically speaking,every one wants to settle down with someone who is financially well to support ones family and kids to come.So,talk openly with your guy and tell him that he needs to be more responsible and financially strong to start a family.Do this in a way not to hurt him as it seems you really love this guy and cant let go.Make him realize the important aspects in your life and see if he can make an effort to fit in your sphere and make sure you trust him fully with every thing before you plunge into marriage with this guy.
More over take slow , he is going to be 25 as you say and guys take really a little more time then girls to mature and be responsible at this age.4-5 years from now he will be more responsible than you will be.
ALL THE BEST!
It sounds like you are at a crossroad in your life and you have to choose. Well, you have a few choices. His ways seem to be pretty set, and that is how he was raised. You will either have to accept him the way he is or let him go and find someone more ambitious. But remember there is more to life than ambition. You will have to sit down and talk about your furure together, and see what he wants and what you want. Does he want to be a stay at home dad if you have children or does he want to be the family provider? Where do you want to be in 5, 10, even 15 years from now? Does he have goals and do you share them? If you do not feel comfortable with him making less money than you and not having the ambition to make more money or work for the lifestyle you desire, then you may have to look for another man who shares your dreams. The answer lies in you, and you will have to look into your heart, listen to your intuitive voice within and play with the idea of living with him and start a family with him or moving on and trying your chances with someone else. There are a lot of nice guys out there. Question is are they your type and are you their type? Also, the competition gets stiffer as you move up the ladder of careers, to catch a good husband who is sharing the same financial abilities as you.
You stated that you was in love with him, are you still? I can understand your frustration but he does sound like a really nice guy,,,He will eventually get better, how long it will take is a mystery,,,the mistake you made was assuming the role of leadership in the relationship(and he let you because that's what it probably looked what you wanted) instead of sharing it,,now it's a pain,,you appear to have a plan on how you will achieve future goals ,,and to you he doesn't,,you sound competitive and sounds like he isn't(it sounds like he may be creative),,more a right brain person,,,if you love him and want to stay in the relationship, just start delegating some of the responsibilities to help, a little at a time(don't complain to him the things he's not doing, just sort of ease things in),,it seems that he would do what you want,,,some people like the jobs they're in(no stress)and are satisfied, if you push and he changes jobs to please you it may create a problem down the road if it's something he doesn't like,,,,ask him about his job-if he likes it,what is it about the job that he likes, does it lead to a position making more money,,(he may have plans of his own), now if you no longer love him,,don't waste anymore time,,break it off,,,,Good Luck
You really need to tell him how you feel. If he doesn't make at least the slightest effort then its time to move on. All relationships require a decent level of commitment for it to succeed. Theres a big diference between someone who has difficulties but is willing to make an improvement compared to someone who is lazy and expects others to practically do everything for them without even attempting to help themselves while others help them.
Marriages will fail if at least one does not commit and make sacrifices.
Sounds like you're the complete package and he's just looking for his better half.
Is this going to work for you? Funny doesn't pay the bills or clean the house.
Perhaps you should make a list of what would be important to you in a marriage partner and then see how he stacks up. Be honest and true with yourself.
I was this kind of guy before but you know that the way it is, human are totally and desperately unsatisfied here my point of view,you really don't understand how lucky you were until you loose that one and fall for the kind of guy that will treat you like a piece of **** ';that me now'; and the worst is that you will fall deeply in love and suffer for the rest of your life. Why??? you think that nonsense, that actually is the universal law for stupid woman around the world. You know he love you and that he would be a great dad and a great husband but you don't give a damn and even want to dump him.You lack of what i call the bad guy effect.'; i will explain the bad guy effect to you that would be a guy who have no respect for you or your opinion who always tell you what you want to hear and then **** your best friend .... the best friend you know with the bigger boobs and the great body anyway, the kind of guy who is always sorry but never really think he is, that guy will make you feel like a ***** and you will love him for that and at the same time you will want him to love you more and more but the nearer you come to him you will feel like you are chasing a ghost'; that the bad guy effect.
What i want you to understand is that you are lucky to have found a man who will love you and respect you, So don't let little stupid thing make you blind and forget what is really important in life. That's to love and to be love anything that come along with that is just the strawberry on the cake.
think twice before you act or you can regret this for the rest of your life all i can hope is that you will take the right decision.
bye.
Knowing that he will not ever get better at helping out; knowing that it will get worse if you have children and/or buy a home; you have some serious decisions to make. Can you do this for the next 60 years?
I know many people who could love each other forever, but could never make a life together. As a rule, you should never be with someone and hope they will change. So, are you willing to be the grown up in your relationship for the next 60 years or so?
I wish you peace in your decisions....
excellent father? how will he make an excellent father if he doesn't want to provide for his family and is the one who needs to be mothered by you? who needs this romance if he can not pay his bills? not even talking about yours? and sure he is funny - he has no responsibilities in life,he has no headaches. if u re ready to marry a child and be a mother to him and your children - fine. but if u want a real man - a provider, a defender, the one who makes your life secure, the one who would make your worries and problems go away - he is not your man. cos those men aren't funny - they re dead serious. i have one. and they can love u too - and by love i mean action, not just idiotic useless words ';i love u';. who even cares about words?
You just described what tons of marriages go through..Think about the ';online banking'; someone had to show you or explain to you what online banking was or something had to of let you know that online banking exsisted. All people are the same, when you do not know how to do something, someone has to teach you. When he gets your help, he feels safe that nothing could go wrong. And usually one person in the marriage does hadle the finances, the more suitable person. 95% of men don't have that ';lets keep the house clean'; mentality, and could care less if someone backed a dump truck full of garbage in the yard-- and unloaded.
Men seem quicker than women to get settled in life. Having a job is his contributions and he sees nothing wrong with staying right where he is..And trust me, if he is enjoying it, and doing well, that is a good thing
Let me give you some ';old lady'; advice..You are NOT missing anything. Look around you, how many happily married couples have a genuine, funny, kind, romantic man, who SHOWS that he is absolutely in love with his spouse? ';he would never cheat';-- that's 70% of what makes him a great man, you add that to him being able to make a excellent father-- you got a GREAT thing going on, and it will be VERY VERY hard for you to find another partenr that will compare..You may run into someone who is more ';book smart, more settled, more independent'; but you will sacrafice the above for that tpe man. Stick around on M%26amp;D and read the questions these women have, read what's out there.. Let me tell you, the 100% whole complete package does NOT exsist.
You have ';real'; love right inside your own house, instead of searching for what's not out there, work on improving what YOU got.. You got a security that most people will never know. You are safe with your man, and know what to expect from him. Granted, he could be more independent but look at the things he is, and help him improve what he is missing..When you have a man/partner who will always look out for you as you go through life, you are one-up on most people..
If you are sure that you are moving in a different direction than your b/f then there will be not alot that will stop you from making the changes you've described, but if your unsure, sit still and make adjustments needed so you can feel more at ease in your own home.. This is long because I wanted to explain many things, in effort to help you. You will ultimately make up your own mind. Best wishes, i hope things works out the way you want...:)
Love is not something that you DO. It is something that you ARE. Love is not asking for anything - love is a selfless, giving act. What your bf does in his life is not loving. This is why you fee discouraged. He ';says'; that he loves you, but in reality, he does not have a clue. He only parrots what you say and do so that he can get what he really wants - sex. Do not think that this is a foolish endeavor.
Men give love to get sex - women give sex to get love.
Think this is just a cutesy line?
WRONG!
It's the fundamental difference between the sexes.
Women get their deepest intimacy from communication, from words. This is why most women want to be WITH their beloved. Only in close contact can communication be carried out.
For men, their deepest intimacy is in sex. Sound juvenile? From the woman's perspective it is. Not from the guys. It's how most men are hard-wired to be.
This is why romance novels are women's porn. It's all in the words. Not pictures. And for guys - it's all in the visual realm that ';action'; occurs.
This is why guys ALWAYS look! They have just ';snapshot'; that image into their head for recall later. Women do not do this. Actually, most women can't.
Take a long look at what you're really getting involved with here. You are involved with a 25 yo child that will be like this for 10-20 more years. He was supposed to be out of this dependent condition a while ago and if he's not out yet - he's got some issues.
And by your very consent to live with him - you have already told him that he does not need to grow up. You have already cut off your own foot because you can't go back. This is one of those things that you were supposed to right from the beginning and you already screwed it up.
Good luck
(you're going to need it)
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